Saturday, January 12, 2013

Marriage & Beading

Today is my wedding anniversary. Sadly, it is not the happy day it should be.

Robert and I tied the knot January 12, 2001 in Victoria BC after being together for 3 1/2 years. We were both over 50 and had never previously been married. When we were saying our vows, Robert jokingly answered the 'til death do you part query under his breath, whispering maybe (not yes, but maybe). Although it was sort of funny at the time, perhaps I missed an undertone of truth, a current of unease that has run through our relationship.

Intersections - Robert & Me, 2011

If you know me, you know my bead embroidery is almost always improvisational, meaning unplanned and spontaneous. I like to stick a thought in the back of my mind, letting it guide my beading in a subconscious way. During our 16 years together, I've beaded about our relationship several times. I thought it might be interesting to take a look at some of these pieces in this post.

Marriage Bag, 2000

This is the first. It is Marriage Bag, started shortly after I met Robert and completed just before we got married. My intent was to explore the idea of marriage and commitment, to ask the question, Do I want to get married to this man?

Marriage Bag, Totem Animals, 2000
The first side of the bag I beaded seems to have a division. Looking at it 12 years later, I think it's about the two of us as individuals, apart from one another. My totem animal is the rabbit, so I think the left area is about me. There seems to be a lot of sunshine on my side. Robert's totem animal is the bear. His part is a bit darker, with just a hint of sunshine. There is a small heart at the bottom in each part connected by intertwined strands of beads, in retrospect a rather frail connection.

Marriage Bag, Intertwined Pathways, 2000

As I beaded the second side, the intertwined strands, representing our connection, grew much longer and stronger. It suggests a good and lengthy future together, don't you think? Back then beading this part gave me great encouragement and optimism about our relationship and marriage. Things looked pretty good during the "honeymoon phase" of the marriage, a time when we both turned blind eyes toward the signs that all was not well.

His Parents Were Alcoholics, 2007

This piece, from the first year of the Bead Journal Project,  is a portrait of Robert, showing childhood wounds, inflicted by parents, altered by alcohol, who probably did not meet his needs. I see scars, a wall, and the spirals of recovery passing under small holes in the wall. I see beaver, able to pass to either side of the wall, facing outward toward the light. I hoped that the wall would gradually fall apart, allowing us to be closer.

Hearts in Delicate Balance, 2008

A year later, I beaded this visual statement of our relationship. Look what showed up.... the same intertwined path, which I think represents the part of me that still held optimistic hope for our marriage to be well-rooted and to grow upward in a healthy way. But more dominate in this piece is the precariously balanced hearts. Even the thing upon which they stand is unbalanced. Bear is there, climbing up hill. Will we make it?

Lunar Marriage Dance, 2009

Three months later, this piece again shows my optimism. Yes, we sometimes drift apart, but then, like the cycles of the moon, we come together again, a "close dance" in the fullness of the moon. As I stitched the last bead and looked at it, I had a sense that the dance between us is good and that it passes naturally through phases, yet remains and will continue to remain a good dance. Looking at it now, I wonder if it actually predicted how the future would find us drifting apart, spending more time in solo dancing than in partnership.

Forgive, 2010

The next year, I was trying to re-invent myself, trying to make changes that would improve our marriage. This piece is inspired by two words: forgive and flow. I wanted to flow through our relationship in a peaceful way and to forgive us both for all the rough spots along the way. In retrospect, I notice that the flow divides the branch and the birds. The two birds closest to the flow have their backs to one another. Improvisational works seems to be like that, suggesting different interpretations at different times. Ten years earlier, on Marriage Bag, the two birds on the branch were facing each other (see the second loop of the intertwined pathways).

Intersections - Robert & Me, 2011

Here is another improvisational piece about our relationship, the intersection of Robert and me. I am the red/pink arm of the intersection; he is the blue arm. This is a tough one to interpret. There is a small black heart at the top of the wooden heart in the intersection. What does that signify? Wedding rings are most often shown overlapping. In this case, they are side by side. Again, I believe my choice of fabric with spirals represents hope and optimism.

None of my beadwork in 2012 is about our marriage or him. I don't know what will happen in the year ahead with either my beading or our relationship. Maybe it's time to tuck the word marriage in the back of my mind, pick up some beads, and start stitching...

26 comments:

  1. Interesting interpretations. I wonder what you would come up with if you were in a different frame of mind. Hope, forgiveness, optimism, health, healing.

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    1. I wonder too, Dolores. Those words (hope, forgiveness, optimism, health and healing) certainly need to be part of the dynamic process of marriage. Thanks.

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  2. Dear Robin ~ Wishing you and Robert many more years of growing in love together. Love, forgiveness, encouragement, communication, these are the precious things that make a marriage work. I just lost my dear husband of 43 years and the loss is so raw and acute. We had no more time for us to grow in love, although the last 4 months are priceless to me as we did grow deeper in love during that time of his illness, and I am so thankful for our 43 years, he was my love, my mentor, my encourager, there is so much I miss about him. I do believe though, that we will be reunited one day and I am looking forward to that reunion. He is with God, he is at peace, he has joy and perfect health.

    Your beaded pieces about your marriage are really lovely and speak from your heart. Continue to nurture your marriage and you will not be disappointed.

    Happy Anniversary ~ FlowerLady

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    1. I'm so sorry for your loss, Lorraine. The only way I can relate to your loss and grief is to remember what it was like for Mom when Dad died. The only encouragement I can give you is that in time, Mom's memories of Dad became more important than her grief, and the rawness passed.

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  3. Congrat! It is a very big achievement and you definitely have a wonderful and loving mate there to spend your life with. We've been together 36 years next month. Can't imagine a life without him as he completes me and makes me do things I don't want but am happy when I do. Understand? Enjoy the day. Enjoy the year. Enjoy each others' company.

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    1. Sorry to say, it's not a very happy day and we're not very loving mates... Never the less, congratulations on your long marriage. What a gift it must be to not imagine your life without him. Thanks for visiting here.

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  4. Your beading is exquisite and I was fascinated by your interpretations of your work. I think it's a rare gift to create works of art and also be able to express the meaning in words so clearly Happy Anniversary :)

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    1. Thank you, Janine. I don't believe I was very clear with my words on this post. Thanks to you and a couple of readers before you, I have added a few sentences hoping to clarify that our marriage is actually not working very well, and that contrary to my initial interpretations of these pieces, the signs were already there. I really appreciate your compliments, though.

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  5. Robin, thank you for the honest account of your marriage interpreted through your beadwork. As someone who had alcoholic parents, I know how hard it can be for a person raised in that environment to open up and be genuinely close to others. In spite of our best intentions, it can feel like those barriers are up for good. Which is sad for us, and just as sad for our partners.

    *Hugs.* I wish you all the happiness in the world. You deserve it!

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    1. Thank YOU, SS... I think you have named the root of our problem, and in spite of our best intentions, the barriers seem to be as high and strong as ever. Sometimes I feel like a great failure because of it.

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    2. Aww. I understand the feeling, but I can tell you honestly that 90 percent of the work has to come from the person with the barriers. It might be different for your husband, but what's really helped me is reading the right books and talking to people who've been through something similar.

      I can't remember the names of any good books on family alcoholism, but on top of everything else, my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and when I read up on that, it explained so much of why I have a hard time trusting anyone. There's a lot of power in learning that what I went through wasn't unique to me. It's true for most traumatic experiences.

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  6. I remember most of these pieces when you made them..I guess I have been following your work for a long time. The year that I was active in the BJP I learned more about myself and my deepest thoughts than I ever would have if I had not participated.

    Who knows why 2 people marry, why some have the miracle of being genuinely happy together. I'm one of those lucky and grateful people. How come my daughter will probably never be? I often wish I knew the answer to that question. But I also know that sometimes you have to resign to the fact that you missed the signs...can't fix the base after you've built the tower and bring in the wrecking crew.

    Remember that Rabbit teaches us to learn how to face our fear and know when to defend our space or walk away.

    Too bad hind sight is not fore sight.
    xx, Carol

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    1. Dear Carol, What a gift your comments always are to me! Thank you. Yes, "Who does know why?" We just do the best we can, and in this case I need all the help I can get from rabbit, you and others to walk away from it. xoxo PB

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  7. Robin, I am so sorry that you are in a very unhappy place right now. I know that whatever happens, you will have given a great deal of thought to each issue, as you do in your beading. You have so inspired me over the years, I thank you for that, and wish you peace and happiness.

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    1. Thanks, Char.... We have given time, energy, and money (counseling) to fixing our marriage. It isn't working. Your good thoughts in my direction are very welcome.

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  8. I'm sorry to hear things aren't going so well for you Robin.

    I love your work and after downloading your first book I decided to have a go at my first bead embroidery which you can see on my blog if you'd like to:

    http://www.jowillis.com/2013/01/bead-embroidery-1-finished.html

    Thank you for your inspiration.

    Jo xx

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    1. I just went to your blog and left a comment about your stunning piece... very hard to believe it's your first attempt at bead embroidery. Now you, in turn, are an inspiration! Thanks...

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  9. Does the interpretation of the piece come to you during the process? or only after it's completed? Gorgeous pieces...art truly gives us comfort and a beautiful way to express what we're feeling. May you enjoy peace and fulfillment along your path, and cherish each moment of joy. Best Wishes to you!

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    1. Hi Dianne... The interpretation of the piece come after it's completed for me. I intentionally try to avoid thinking about the meaning while I work on it, because when I do, I try to "control" the beading too much. Thanks for your good wishes... I can use them right now.

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  10. I understand what you're saying. I grew up in alcoholic and abusive family and married an addict. I thought love conquers all and works everything out. I finally discovered sometimes this comes in the form of being able to work and work on the issues, then accepting that the other side has to accept and work on their individual issues before they can join with you. Two wonderful pieces of advice that helped me were "You can't make a marriage by yourself" and "You're either in a relationship or you're out". You and your happiness and healing are not more important than his, but neither are they less important. Sometimes the healing is to stop fighting the flow and to with it. Blessings.

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    1. Wow! Your comment really helps me, Sue. Thank you so much for sharing about your own marriage and the advice that helped you. It especially helps me to feel not so alone in this.

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  11. So sorry you are in a difficult place now, Robin. It took me 30 years to get my husband to talk to someone about his childhood and when he finally did, it helped alot... I wish your counseling had done the same. Compromise and being able to have fun and laugh together has gotten us through alot but it doesn't seem like you've had the same experience. Sue's comment is right on the money, though, and this from me... just remember not to lose yourself in trying to fix your marriage. Take care and good luck!

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  12. Hi Robin, thanks for visiting my blog and your comment! Marriage is hard work that's for sure, hope it does work out for both of you. Your beading is magnificent, please don't stop!

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  13. Robin-No one can really know where another stands in their relationship-I can only speak from my own experience. We have been married 33yrs-I think I have grown more than my husband as he still hasn't faced or dealt with much that gets in the way of our life-but I continue to learn patience and appreciate what he does give me. And believe me, there have been a couple of periods where I wanted out so badly but I don't give up very easily. Right now things are generally good but who knows about the next period? In that, I have been blessed by staying. Sometimes we don't jog together as a couple, more like 2 separated joggers but we move back again. If this is where you see yourself-can you wait on Robert while continuing on? I wish you so many blessings and joy.
    Christine in TX

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  14. Hi Robin, sad that this aniversary is not so happy. Marriage/relationships are difficult. Particularly in this day and age with so much opportunity for men and women. I just turned 50 this month and have never been married but still hope that maybe one day it will happen. I seem to make poor decisions when it comes to men so lately I have just stayed away from them and focused on me. And you know I am in a better place in my life then I ever have. I still would like to find love (as today is Valentines day, lol) but if I don't I'm ok with that. I still have family and many wonderful friends. Life is short, too short to be unhappy. You also have a gift with your beading talent and many who support you. All I can say is good luck. Hope things get better. But don't allow yourself to be unhappy for too long. Life is a gift.

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  15. Robin, I admire the way you speak so personally in your blog. I like posting my beadwork but don't have the knack for the personal journaling. I love your bags, they are intriguing and seem to have so much emotion in them. Warm Regards, Kate

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Thanks you for joining the discussion on this post today!